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  • Annelisa MacBean

Healing

There is a death that occurs as part of any healing process. When I deepen into self-awareness, some part of what was “me” does not survive the coming of illumination. I am certainly inclined to spin out of the uncertainty of endings and into the rebirth of who I am becoming, but I am also discovering the wisdom in the disordering and deconstruction process, which I cannot know if I abandon it prematurely. Dissolution and disintegration is a part of initiation. There is vision in this state that is not available when I scramble to put things back together. An old part of myself that has been a regular, everyday way of knowing that “I am” is no longer going to accompany me on my journey! The deconstruction of an old idea or belief about my life and the way I was so sure I was going to turn out, is now debris and rubble. This dissolution or disbanding of previously assembled notions can show up as the ending of a friendship or the falling away of resonance with “inner friends” - such as a self-image, an assumption, a filter through which I have been relating to myself and others; a part of my way of seeing and being has come to the end of its meaning-making, the end of its life. Inherent in healing cycles is the dynamic interplay of death and rebirth. Healing is a process of transformation in which I am called to slow down, to root deeply into the earth and the ground of my being, processing loss while simultaneously holding the sense of urgency that wants to respond to the call to enter into the next phase! The new possibilities are emerging at the same time the death knell tolls for those parts that have completed. Taking time to mourn and grieve all that I am losing as I heal and awaken, attuning to endings while appreciating beginnings . . . a fine balance, requiring an open heart and a poised mind.

I know it is important to attend to the fragments of the psyche that are being dissolved, to honor the role they have played, for providing refuge during difficult and transitional times. Not so much an indulgent or sorrowful observation, but rather an opportunity to respect this human experience, to stand in awe as the mystery of the Divine reveals itself in deeper and deeper ways through me. Healing: to know that healing is messy, glorious, and full-spectrum… and accept that it is not only an act of creation, but one of destruction as well.



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Bay Area, California

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