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  • Annelisa MacBean

Paradox

The nature of inclusion, an all-pervading principle of the universe – means that available to me is a perpetual invitation to meet the wholeness that I already am. Wow!! This includes the light and the dark, the activity of separation and union, and all the fragile, sensitive, and vulnerable experiences of being human. It is paradoxical to my mind, but my heart and body know that willingness to open to contrast, to apparent opposites, is a path, a passageway, a conduit to the Ultimate, the Absolute, the Eternal home.

Awakening to the experience of opposites is inherently a manifesting process and a destructive one. The Presence of Love appears to employ both the energies of creativity and dissolution in the fulfillment of its purpose through my body. The purpose of Divine is unique as it moves through each of us. My purpose is known to me through my direct embodied experience. When I am listening, paying attention, I can witness Presence move through me and into the apparent relative world around me. When I am listening and paying attention, I witness this Presence moves through you, too.

When I observe, carefully, I notice a persistent yearning emerges out of the mess and the chaos of everyday events and experiences. A strong desire rises from the center of a deeply embedded sense of unworthiness, disconnection, and loneliness. Even in moments of anxiety, hopelessness, and despair I notice there is a direction, a focus, an aim towards something that feels like home. In the darkness, I am aware of and drawn toward light.

The question is: Am I able to remain attuned during the dark times? To hold the difficult feelings and sensations with an inner spaciousness that allows the knots and distortions to unfold? Occasionally, when I master that capacity in the moment, the unfolding always illuminates the path ahead. But so often, I contract from the discomfort and seek relief from it. I move quickly back to the stability of resistance.

Of course, it is wise to take care of myself in whatever ways I am able, to bring relief and grounding when that is possible and necessary. And . . . there is another kind of self-care, an alchemical approach in which I turn my attention into the mess, the chaos, the emotion, the image, and the vision, and I discover the wisdom of yielding, of surrender.

More paradox: I long deeply for the aliveness that I have glimpsed on this journey of awareness and heart, yet a part of me also remains unsure. I sense the implications of living in this new way, in this True way. I can see that I will be shedding victim beliefs and acting from personal responsibility. I see that I'm fully at choice for my experiences now. I, at least intellectually, comprehend what will be asked of me, what I will have to relinquish and let go … which is everything.

So I run an ongoing inner dialogue between these parts, between ego-self and True-Self. To be or not to be? . . . Meditation or Netflix? Yes or no to what is arising right now?


Alongside my everyday human doubtings, there is a constant, gentle whispered response, reminding me that I have come into a body, into this particular time and in this particular place, to this one lonely star out in the middle of the vast expanse of universes, to embody Love, wisdom and attunement . . . so that beings everywhere may come to know their true nature. . . .


OK . . . Yes.




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