The Gift of Your Being
You don't have to fix anyone's problems. You don’t have to save them, heal them, or get them to take on your ideas, communication style, favorite metaphysical beliefs, theories, or survival strategies.
All you have to do . . . the ONLY thing you truly CAN do . . . is BE there with them in just that way that you know how to BE . . .
Bracket your own beliefs and systemic responses for a few moments. Attune to the other. Access the poetic beauty and power of the mirror neuron system; enter into the “we-space” with them. As you feel this space, notice that they feel felt.
BEING soft and relaxed in your bone marrow, with no agenda for your friend or loved one to be different or change is the always and only truly transformative gift you have to give. Their mirror neurons will recognize your state and begin to soften, relax and release.
Bearing witness to their organic wisdom as it recalibrates, reorganizes, and emerges is all that is needed. The other will feel felt and understood by your presence. They will also feel subliminally empowered.
Listen. Hear their verbal narrative but don’t let it distract you from their somatic story. Listen more closely with your heart and bones to the secret, sensitive language emerging from their heart and bones. "I'm with you. I'm here. I feel you. I understand you." This truth is born of your capacity to feel yourself while you feel them.
In these moments, you are midwife to a new story, a new understanding birthing in your friend or loved one. They are growing into a new understanding of what they are. They are developing their capacity to hold the true immensity that they are. Your willingness to be integrated, spacious, flexible, translucent, and kind in real time gives them the opportunity to find these capacities in themselves. Extend to them a soothed nervous system, a sanctuary of presence, a field of permission where they can go through their experience without any pressure to heal or to meet some hidden agenda in order for you to stay close. Resist the temptation to “teach” them. But instead, “reach” them, finally, by way of the circuitry of empathic immersion. This is challenging when you are out of touch with your own unlived life – with the unmet grief, the unheld sadness, the unmetabolized rage. If you have disavowed these parts of yourself – it will feel too unsafe to enter the we-vessel with eyes and heart open. The mind will want to bring in theories, techniques, spiritual beliefs, instructions and directive to-do's to compensate. The mind just can’t believe that presence is enough. “I must convey what I know; show them everything and tell them how to behave.” But the body knows. The heart knows. The nervous system knows. The body is the vehicle that delivers divine, transformative, alchemical Love. What we call magic is actually and simply the absence of doing . . . it’s just BEING that moves the needle. None of us needs new information, theories, or spiritual beliefs. Your nakedness, your tenderness, your raw unfiltered being, your love is the transformative, healing medium.