The word "bonding" originates from the Old English "bonda," which means "householder" or "husband." Over time, it evolved to signify a connection or tie between individuals, especially in a social or emotional context. In modern usage, bonding refers to the process of forming a close, emotional relationship.
Bonding in adult relationships involves the emotional connection that develops through shared experiences, mutual support, and physical affection. It is the foundational element that fosters intimacy and a sense of belonging. Bonding creates the emotional glue that holds people together, allowing for vulnerability, empathy, and deep understanding. Bonding is a body-based, somatic experience informing our sense of safety and security in relationships.
"Commitment" comes from the Latin "committere," which means "to connect" or "entrust." In contemporary language, it signifies a pledge or promise to engage in a sustained and dedicated manner to a person, cause, or activity. In relationships, commitment is the intention to maintain and uphold a partnership over time.
Commitment, relationally speaking, is the conscious, mentally-located decision to stay with a partner and work through challenges together. It involves a long-term perspective, encompassing loyalty, responsibility, and a dedication to the relationship’s growth and stability. Commitment to one's own security and growth can help to sustain a relationship through difficult times, providing a framework for enduring partnership.
The bonding process begins before birth, as a mother connects with her unborn child. This connection is further strengthened immediately following birth through skin-to-skin contact, breastfeeding, and responsive caregiving. Early bonding experiences are crucial for the child’s emotional and psychological development.
A secure bond formed in early childhood lays the groundwork for healthy adult relationships. Individuals who experienced strong pre- and peri-natal bonding are more likely to develop secure attachment styles, characterized by trust, confidence, and the ability to form healthy emotional connections. Conversely, a lack of bonding in early childhood can lead to attachment issues, impacting one's ability to form and maintain stable adult relationships.
As one might suspect, attachment styles are heavily influenced by early bonding experiences.
Secure attachement is more likely to result from a consistently reliable, loving bond in a human being's earliest primary parental relationship. Fulfillment of our earliest primal expectation to be received and to belong will create a foundation for healthy, trusting relationships in adulthood. Inconsistent bonding can lead to dependency and fear of abandonment . . . anxiety in adult relationships. Neglect or emotional unavailability can develop into emotional distancing or avoidance in adulthood and difficulty forming close bonds. Disorganized attachement is often the result of trauma or abuse, and shows up as confusion and erratic behavior in our adult relationships.
Commitment Confusion:
When an individual has unmet bonding needs from childhood, they may seek to fulfill these needs in adult relationships. This can lead to confusion between bonding and commitment, where the pursuit of emotional connection (bonding) is mistaken for a genuine dedication to the relationship (commitment). This confusion can manifest in several ways:
Trauma Bonding: Intense emotional bonds formed through repeated cycles of abuse, pain, shame, blame and reconciliation, often mistaken for commitment. This type of bonding can create an illusion of deep connection while perpetuating unhealthy patterns.
"Doing the Work": This is common in modern coupling, where partners feel like engaging in relationship "work" that perpetuates trauma bonding rather than healing it somehow demonstrates their willingness to "be in" the relationship. This can appear as commitment but often involves maintaining familiar, albeit dysfunctional, dynamics.
Alice Miller is a renowned psychologist who emphasized the importance of acknowledging and addressing childhood trauma. In her writings, she highlighted how unhealed trauma can affect adult relationships, leading to repeated cycles of pain and dysfunction. Her book, "Drama of the Gifted Child" can be a great resource for anyone seeking to better understand their foundational bonding expereinces.
Jean Liedloff, author of "The Continuum Concept," advocated for natural parenting practices that align with our evolutionary needs. Her work underscores the importance of early bonding and she is a heartful and wise voice on the topic of how modern birth and child-rearing practices often disrupt the natural bonding process, leading to long-term emotional and psychological issues.
Both of these authors provide deep insight into the ways our relational development plays into our marriages and parterships.
Many contemporary, modern young couples I work with make the mistake of assuming they were bonded with their mothers, but overlook the impact of cesarean sections on the bondng process. Technology during gestation and birth as well as and the role of technology, phones and computers in the bonding experiences of infants over the past 30 - 40 years tends to be underestimated as the good intentions of being more attentive and aware than our parents can lead to some self-deception.
But the point of this article is primarily understanding that the distinction between bonding and commitment is crucial for forming healthy adult relationships. Recognizing and addressing the potential confusion between bonding and commitment can help couples break free from unhealthy patterns and foster more genuine, more specific communication and lasting partnerships.
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