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Death & Commitment

Death anxiety, commonly thought of as fear of death and dying, significantly influences human behavior and relationships. Mortality salience, a concept from Terror Management Theory (TMT), actually clarifies the concept of death anxiety by speaking more specifically to the unconscious angst all mortals carry regarding the unpredicatability, yet, inevitability of death. Mortality salience describes how reminders of our mortality trigger the always and already present, subliminal death anxiety which leads to various coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms affect interpersonal dynamics.


Early childhood relational trauma has a direct intersect with death anxiety. For infants, children and adolescents, the loss of hope can feel like dying. Lack of or loss of parental bonds can literally feel like death . . . and these combined factors fundamentally influence bonding and attachment in adult relationships.


Experiences such as birth trauma, prolonged neglect or abuse, inconsistent caregiving, etc., profoundly impact attachment styles and relationship dynamics in adulthood. Lack of empathic attunement can be quite subtle when parents perform well by social standards and provide for the obvious physical, social and educational needs of their children. Yet eating disorders, cutting, depression and anxiety persist. How to be alive when we feel like dying or feel like we are dying or want to die? . . . These issues are rampant today, regardless of the good intentions of parents and educators and therapists. Trauma imprints can be invisible, transparent, yet they still exacerbate death anxiety, which will directly influence how we orient to challenges, disagreements and differences in our adult partnerships, work relationships and marriages.


It's important to clarify that when early trauma goes unresolved, one's primary adult commitment is not to the partner or spouse, but to their own emotional and psychological safety. Without a sense of emotional and physical security, partners can become "trauma bonded", reactivating and perpetuating their personal history through dysfunctional behaviors. This is not a commitment or a committed relationship. It is essentially the experience of using each other to feel safe feeling unsafe . . . the lack of bonded, connected safety is survivable, known and familiar, so couples will often remain together for decades, even though their dynamic is incredibly destructive and ultimately undermining of the relationship.


Understanding commitment in a marriage or partnership as a function of self-preservation (see previous blog post) can make more sense when viewed through the lens of mortality and the always lingering, albeit often denied awareness of our inevitable, impending death. Unmet, unseen, unheld childhood relational trauma will always be the primary commitment of the psyche, as it is the resolution of the lost bond that will ultimately establish and anchor the longed for sense of security and safety.


Individuals with a history of relational trauma (lack of or inconsistent bond with primary caretaker) develop insecure attachment styles, characterized by anxiety and/or avoidance. These attachment styles can complicate the formation and maintenance of bonded adult relationships.


  • Fear of Loss: Early trauma can heighten the fear of loss and abandonment, intensifying death anxiety. This anxiety in turn strengthens the orientation to survival and the commitment to getting emotionally and physically safe . The individual's commitment to finding and experiencing security leads to either clinging behaviors or emotional withdrawal in adult relationships. Dependency on the partner to fulfill the parental deficit is often conflated with idealized concepts of commitment.


  • Projection of Past Trauma: People often project the fear and anger associated with historically negative psychological and emotional experiences onto current relationships. The perception of partners as potential threats can both instigate traumatic interactions and perpetuate difficulties in developing and maintaining any sense of safe connection or bond. This leads to each person's redoubling commitment to their own survival and safety relative to their projection.

Death Anxiety is a significant factor when considering the ways couples might project past relational trauma onto current relationships.


  • Transference of Fear: Individuals might transfer the fear and anxiety rooted in early trauma onto their current partners. This transference can create a cycle of fear and insecurity, undermining the possibility of a true and lasting bond.


  • Recreating Trauma: In an unconscious attempt to resolve past trauma, couples tend to recreate dependency dynamics in their current relationships which are similar to those of their early childhoods. When a partner upon whom we have projected "good parent" neglects to follow through or miscommunicates, they quickly become "bad parent." This can lead to patterns of conflict and instability, further exacerbating death anxiety and impacting the couple's capacity to bond.


  • Emotional Triggers: Past experiences of hurt and loneliness can be activated by current events and relationship exchanges. Historic hurts projected into current conflict intensifies reactions to present situations. This can result in disproportionate responses to otherwise minor issues, driven by underlying death anxiety and unresolved trauma.


Within the context of death anxiety and mortality salience, our commitment to our own safety and security can, perhaps, be more easily understood. While we may seek to bond with partners and spouses to establish a sense of security, it is our commitment to safety and security which drives us to seek the bond. One might go so far as to assert that it is our commitment to immortality that drives us to seek emotional, physical, relational bonds.


  • Emotional Security: Relationships can provide a sense of emotional security and continuity, which is a significant self-interest. This is true especially if the bond is negative, abusive or abandoning . . . The security of the familiar and known can mitigate death anxiety by offering a predictable, continuous presence. Again, this description characterizes many adult relationships.


  • Existential Assurance: When an individual is able to establish a sense of stability and security, awareness of their inevitable death is more easily marginalized or sublimated. The relief (and satisfaction) of surviving a traumatic event, controlling people and things to extract or manufacture an experience of emotional preditability or stabilty, the resulting sense of being (temporarily) physcially/emotionally safe contributes to an almost euphoric state in which the wounded child is able to imagine safety forever. This strengthens the child's commitment and eventaully the adult's commitment to achieving a sense of control (immortality), driven by the belief that surviving trauma means we can conquer our fear . . . of death.

The good news is that intentionally increasing conscious awareness of mortality, especially relative to early trauma can motivate humans to form deeper emotional bonds, as we do seek comfort and meaning in our intimate relationships. Ultimately this can enhance our capacity for genuine connection. Strong partnerships can provide a sense of security and continuity, offering a stable, comforting presence to everyone. Awareness of mortality can prompt individuals to risk abandonment and loss for the possibility of deeper, more meaningful bonds. Recognizing life's fragility can lead people to prioritize self-awareness in service to enhancing and securing emotional bonds.


Knowing that life is finite can increase appreciation for loved ones, fostering a greater sense of gratitude and valuing the time spent together. This appreciation can drive each of us to commit more fully to our own journey of self-discovery, self-realization and personal responsibility, ultimately maximizing our quality of life.


Understanding mortality salience and integrating past trauma softens us, opens us, reminds us of our vulnerability as we grapple with this most fundamental aspect of existence. This openness can lead to more authentic and profound relationships.






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