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  • Writer's pictureAnnelisa MacBean

Infinite Being

One of the amazing possibilities of the human journey is the discovery that being human, in all its manifestations and dimensions, is an expression of perfection, just as it is. I am discovering that I don’t exist to solve all my problems, to solve anyone else’s problems or to make myself or anyone else happy. When I assert or expect that my inner inquiry, spiritual or personal growth practices, my friendships or intimate relationships function primarily for my happiness, I limit the vast opportunity of these experiences.

Each and every person with whom I engage is an emissary of wholeness and depth, and each offers me the opportunity for reflection on the true depth and wisdom of my own being.

Of course, as I move through my days, sometimes my problems are solved, sometimes the symptoms of suffering recede, sometimes the feelings I prefer replace the ones I don’t. But my inquiry is shifting. I am no longer oriented toward suppressing or replacing feelings. This life opportunity, this business of being embodied is far too wild, unprecedented, and creative. I am more curious about navigating the unknown than ever; where will this surging immediate sensation of broken heartedness take me? Where will the grief of 21st century living lead? What will happen if I follow the awe in my heart, as the sun comes up or my god-daughter laughs while telling a story?

I find myself falling in love with the truth, with the full-spectrum of experience. The whole ride is perfect in its infinite manifestation. I can’t possibly know that CoVid is “wrong” or narcissism is “bad.” The entire journey appears to be about inclusion and compassion and kindness and love . . . for everything . . . not a partial love, a portioned love, but acceptance and head-bowing love for the whole.

Once in a while I feel the urge to declare that I stand with the earth, the sun, the moon, and the stars. I want to roar from mountain tops that “I exist through this body; that I thrill to embodiment, to the surging experience of sensitive immediacy. I am so grateful to be alive!” I have no idea where this is going, but I have the wisdom to recognize that I am safe in the integrity of my experience. I have the faith to keep going, paring down preferences and biases along the way, until I am free.

Divine has brought me to this very place, has lived me into this moment, as it continues its journey to know itself, through this body and as this being – All of my perceptions, emotions, sensations, and imaginings exist for the pleasure of the One; and by the signs and symbols, the beings and experiences along my path, the One shows itself to me. Not so that I can fix something that is broken, or even “heal” in any conventional sense, but so that I can reconnect more deeply, again and again with the longing, to more clearly hear the call of the One within, and become a transparent vessel for the Love seeking to make its way into the world of time and space.

I am less and less oriented toward how to get from “here to there,” and increasingly fascinated with how it is that love might infuse “here” with its qualities. The opportunities are infinite. I am infinite. You are infinite. Can I endure this human existence, in which love will continue to reveal its infinite and endless nature in infinite and endless ways? In ways that are sometimes peaceful, sweet, and soaked in pure joy? At other times, wrathful, disturbing, and awash with the transmutation of the dark?

Come with me; Help me help you help me help you . . . surrender to the grace as it is appearing now, and in every moment . . . we are vehicles of love, and infinite doorways for one another, into the truth of what we are, and what we are becoming.

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