Men and Menopause

Navigating the Transformative Journey Together

Menopause is commonly understood to be a woman's issue, of course, but its impact reaches far beyond the individual, reverberating through the relationship she shares with her partner. For many men, the changes that menopause brings can feel bewildering, disorienting, and deeply challenging. They often find themselves grappling with emotions they don’t know how to process, facing a partner whose mood, body, and needs have shifted in ways they didn’t anticipate. These relational dynamics can bring up feelings of resentment, hurt, anger, and shame, making this transition not only difficult but also a true test of commitment.

This post delves into the complex experiences of men as they navigate the hormonal shifts, emotional turmoil, and sexual challenges that come when their female partners are going through menopause, examining the often-unspoken "ask" that men face during this life stage. While some might perceive the expectation for men to be patient and understanding as a given, the reality is far more nuanced and arduous. This transition sometimes puts men in the position of having to decide if they are willing to "re-up" for the next phase of their relationship and, in many cases, seek external support to understand and navigate these years with their partners.

The Hormonal Landscape of Menopause

Menopause marks a significant hormonal transition for women, typically occurring between ages 45 and 55. As estrogen and progesterone levels decline, many women experience symptoms such as hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, mood swings, and sleep disturbances. These changes can dramatically affect how women relate to themselves, their partners, and their everyday lives.

For men, these symptoms can appear as sudden disruptions in their relationship. Consider the case of John and Susan, married for 25 years. As Susan's symptoms worsened, John felt increasingly alienated by her irritability and emotional withdrawal. “She would snap at me for the smallest things,” John says. “It felt like I was always in the wrong, no matter what I did.” This sense of constant criticism can breed resentment, leaving men feeling blamed for circumstances beyond their control.

The Male Partner’s Experience: Resentment, Anger, and Shame

While much of the focus on menopause centers on the woman's experience, men face their own emotional challenges. They may feel a profound sense of loss as the woman they have known for decades seems to change before their eyes. Her irritability, emotional volatility, or reduced libido can be perceived as personal rejection, triggering deep-seated feelings of shame and inadequacy.

David, for instance, struggled with resentment when his wife Maria’s sexual interest waned. “We used to be close, but now I feel like I’m living with a stranger,” he admits. The lack of intimacy left him questioning his own desirability and competence as a partner. His shame was compounded by societal expectations that men should be "strong" and "understanding" in the face of their partner’s challenges. This silent burden often results in anger—directed either outward, at the partner who seems to be causing the problem, or inward, at the self for not being able to "fix" things.

Psychotherapist Terry Real, in his book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, discusses how men often translate feelings of shame into anger or withdrawal, as these responses feel more socially acceptable than expressing vulnerability. In the context of menopause, this can mean retreating emotionally when faced with their partner’s mood swings, rather than engaging in the conversations that are necessary for healing and reconnection.

Navigating Sexuality and Intimacy: The Pain of Rejection

One of the most painful aspects of menopause for men is the perceived loss of a once-reliable source of sexual connection. The hormonal changes women undergo can lead to physical discomfort during sex, a decrease in libido, or emotional disengagement, making sexual intimacy less frequent or less fulfilling. For many men, this shift can feel like a rejection of their love and desire.

The experience of rejection in a sexual relationship can be a potent source of anger and resentment. Psychologist Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, discusses how men often equate sexual availability with love and acceptance. When their partner withdraws from sex, it can feel like an existential threat to the relationship itself. “For men, sexual desire is often closely linked to a sense of identity and connection,” Perel explains. “When that connection is broken, it can feel like a profound loss.”

This sense of loss often brings up the question of whether to stay committed or to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Many men don’t anticipate facing such an existential dilemma in the middle of their relationship and are caught off guard by the need to "re-up." They may feel torn between loyalty to their partner and resentment for the sacrifices they are being asked to make.

The "Ask" of Men During Menopause: Facing Uncharted Territory

Men often find themselves in a relational dynamic they don’t know how to navigate. Their partners, who may have been emotionally steady or sexually available for decades, are now struggling with symptoms that disrupt the relationship's balance. The "ask" here is significant: men are being asked to adapt to a new version of their partner, support her through an experience they may not fully understand, and manage their own emotional responses to the changes.

This period often demands that men confront their own vulnerability—something many have been socialized to avoid. Facing the reality that their partner's needs are shifting, men may feel unprepared and ill-equipped to provide the kind of emotional support that is now required. This gap in relational skills can lead to feelings of failure and inadequacy, which are difficult to acknowledge and express.

Seeking External Support: The Necessity for Guidance

To navigate these years successfully, many men need external support, whether from therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Dr. Michael J. Diamond, a psychoanalyst specializing in men’s issues, emphasizes that men benefit greatly from having spaces to discuss their struggles with other men who are experiencing similar transitions. "Men often feel like they have to figure everything out on their own,” Diamond explains. “But in reality, seeking external support can provide the tools and perspectives needed to navigate this complicated life stage.”

Support groups or couples counseling can be invaluable, offering men a better understanding of what their partner is experiencing and strategies for managing their own emotional responses. Without this support, the default response may be anger, withdrawal, or seeking solace in behaviors that undermine the relationship further.

The Risk of Withdrawal: Emotional and Physical Distancing

The tendency for men to emotionally withdraw during challenging times can exacerbate the relational strain brought on by menopause. When a man pulls away, his partner may feel abandoned just when she needs more emotional connection. This distancing can become a vicious cycle: the more he withdraws, the more irritated and hurt she becomes, prompting further withdrawal on his part.

David’s situation with Maria illustrates this pattern. Feeling rejected by Maria's decreased libido, David responded by spending more time at work and less time engaging with her emotionally. This only heightened Maria’s sense of isolation and made her less inclined to seek intimacy, leading David to feel even more estranged from her. Without intervention, this cycle of mutual withdrawal can drive couples apart.

Grieving the Relationship That Was: Acknowledging the Loss

Menopause doesn’t just change the physical experiences within a relationship; it also transforms the emotional landscape. There is often a grieving process for both partners as they let go of the life they once knew. For men, this grief may manifest as a sense of disillusionment or betrayal. The partner who once provided comfort and validation may now appear distant and irritable. Acknowledging this loss—rather than minimizing it—can be an important step toward healing.

For many men, this means facing the reality that their partner may never return to the version of herself that they knew. This recognition can be devastating, and it is often accompanied by a sense of hopelessness. The psychological literature on grief, including the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, emphasizes that acceptance of loss is not about giving up but rather about finding new ways to relate to the changed reality.

The Choice to "Re-Up": Renewing Commitment

The decision to "re-up" or recommit to the relationship during menopause is not a given. It requires an active choice to stay engaged despite the challenges, and for some men, this can feel like a significant sacrifice. It involves adapting to a partner who may be less emotionally available, less sexually responsive, and more prone to irritation. The "ask" here is about recognizing that the relationship will not be the same, and deciding to invest in a new version of it.

This choice is deeply personal, and it often involves a reckoning with one's own needs, expectations, and capacity for change. For some, the motivation to "re-up" comes from a place of love and loyalty, while for others, it may be driven by a sense of duty or even resignation. In either case, it’s important for men to seek out resources and support to help them navigate this process and to understand that recommitment is not about accepting blame but about embracing the complexity of their shared lives.

Menopause as a Catalyst for Male Transformation

Menopause is not just a time of change for women; it also serves as a catalyst for transformation in men. The challenges that arise during this period—resentment, hurt, anger, shame, and the need to reassess commitment—are not easily navigated, and men often feel unprepared for the depth of the emotional work required. However, with external support, open acknowledgment of their feelings, and a willingness to face the "ask" head-on, men can emerge from this experience with a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship.

While menopause may signal the end of one phase of life, it also holds the potential for a new beginning, not just for the woman experiencing it but for the couple as a whole. For men, this means stepping up to the challenge, facing their fears and vulnerabilities, and deciding whether to "re-up" for the journey ahead. It’s a choice that requires courage, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace change in ways they may never have imagined.