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  • annelisamacbeanphd

Not Knowing

Perhaps you've noticed a collective fantasy that we’re supposed to know what to do with our lives. And if we do not then this is evidence that something is wrong, some cosmic error has occurred which must be remedied.

Especially if this not-knowing is accompanied by waves of uncertainty, hopelessness, and confusion… more evidence that we have failed, fueled by further fantasy that feelings such as contradiction, doubt, and deflation are not very “spiritual.” What about the endless stream of “high” vibrations? The manifesting of more and more cool things for myself, that I’ve dreamed will make me happy? The unconscious belief that the role of my partner or my spiritual practice is to make me feel good?

Yes, at times it will appear that nothing is happening, that we are being asked to marinate in waves of the great ocean of nothing. Before we turn from the non-conventional allies of confusion and doubt, let us reimagine their purpose and their holy function. In a world that is fixated on doing, on answers, and on resolving the wildness of life, we must remember that death is required for new forms of love and creativity to take form. The death-rebirth journey is one that is non-negotiable and cuts through our preferences, hopes, and fears. While this reality is deflating to a mind seeking control and resolution, this cutting through is an indication of wholeness, and is sacred.

As our center of gravity drops out of the density of the conditioned mind and into the wisdom of the body, we discover profound wisdom and creativity in the core of the not-knowing. We come to see that not-knowing is a perfectly valid, honorable, and authentic place to be, and not in need of transformation. It is a pure expression of transformation, in and of itself, exactly as it is.

As an experiment, you could say out loud, with the earth as your witness, “I don’t know.” And give yourself permission to not-know, for now, without any shame, judgment, or self-aggression. You need no longer pathologize the movement of not-knowing, but embrace and explore it with curiosity and tenderness.

Sink into the raw, ripe, pregnant, muddy glory and mess of your unique, unprecedented heart… and receive, with anticipation and wonder, what you are.

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