Blame and shame can appear early in a relationship, particularly for newer couples grappling with the uncertainties of commitment. When two people begin to explore deeper emotional connection, especially when contemplating marriage and children, these conditions often bring hidden fears to the surface.
The good news is that when newer couples feel some ambivalence about commitment they are often, also, deeply in love. They are experiencing something precious and they are afraid of losing the very precious connection they have discovered. The stakes are high and they subconsciously know they have a lot to lose. In an attempt to control their fear of loss, couples may try to get ahead of possible abandonment by interpreting any inconsistencies in a partner’s behavior to be a threat to their precious love.
"When I can blame you and shame you for micro-abandonments; When I can point to evidence (real or imagined) for the ways you could be wrecking our beautiful love, then I can control the possibility of our love's dissolution. I can control how it ends. I'll leave you before you can leave me! If I leave first, you can’t blindside/abandon me; If I make you wrong, decide you don't really love me or are unsafe in myriad ways, then I don’t have to live in a state of risk, everyday open and vulnerable to the possibility that you will leave me. To feel safest about being together, I have to prove how unsafe it is to be with you!"
Blame and shame are often evidence of fear of loss and an attempt to establish a sense of security. These are strategies for distancing ourselves from feeling fear, from feeling even the possibility of hurt. Blame and shame are essentially the denial of and projection of our deepest fears.
Recognition and Responsibility
For example, Emma who tends to confront issues directly and assertively ("the Challenger"), is partnered with Alex, who prefers to avoid conflict and seeks peace at any cost ("the Avoider"). When faced with the possibility of commitment, Emma’s (unconscious) anxiety about possibly losing Alex becomes assertive and accusatory, and can be experienced as overbearing for Alex, while Alex’s (unconscious) anxiety shows up as avoidance, lack of follow through and passive aggression which seems like abandonment to Emma. Each starts to blame the other for their reluctance to step fully into the relationship.
Recognition of an issue and responsibility for actions and words are the first steps couples can take toward moving beyond this cycle. Simply being able to acknowledge the fact that . . . “I am loud and aggressive when I think you’re at fault,” or “I am silently furious and judging you!” or “I walk out feeling superior (sane) to you when you lose your shit (act crazy),” opens the door to understanding that blame is often a projection, a defense mechanism against their own fears, (mostly fear of loss and fear of abandonment). Couples can start to recognize how they are each contributing to their emotional disconnect.
Awareness and Accountability
Differing styles of dealing with the discomfort of insecurity are not inherently wrong but are rooted in different emotional needs and personal histories.
The influence of ex-partners and history with family members can complicate the couples’ dynamic, especially when ex’s and families have strong opinions about how the current relationship should unfold. Perhaps Emma's family values directness and "telling it like it is," or “sharing feelings” and encourages her to confront Alex about every perceived slight or inconsistency. Alternatively, Emma may never have had a voice in her family of origin and is seeking to be heard! Meanwhile Alex’s family may be more oriented toward maintaining harmony at all costs, or there was one family member who dominated the realm of feelings which has taught him to keep his feelings to himself to avoid conflict.
This is where the couple must become aware of and accountable for what drives their reactions, communications, and behaviors independent of external influences. One way to do this is through a practice of “Pause and Check,” where each partner takes a moment to assess: "Is this belief or behavior mine, or is it something I’ve inherited from early conditioning or previous partnerships?" “What feelings or beliefs am I disowning or unaware of that I have been projecting onto my beloved?”
Identifying their own, real-time fears and associated defensive communications and actions allows both Alex and Emma to create an emotional boundary or perimeter. They can begin to perceive themselves as independent from their ex’s and their families. It may actually be safe to have feelings of insecurity and need with their current partner in ways they were never emotionally safe as children or with previous partners.
Emma and Alex develop accountability by learning to self-reflect and own their feelings and actions without defaulting to blaming each other. They could practice “Moments of Clarity,” an exercise where they set aside a brief, uninterrupted time each day to reflect on a challenging feeling they've been holding, and journal about “the first time I felt this way.” This reflection cannot include the current partner, and ideally goes back to experiences in preadolescence.
This simple ritual fosters self-awareness. As Alex and Emma grow into their relationships with themselves, they have a much more trustworthy base of internal support on which to stand when they are interacting with each other. Ironically, it is both partners’ commitment to knowing themselves that contributes the most to their commitment to each other. It helps break the cycle of blame by making space for honest communication, first with themselves and then with each other about their fears and needs.
The Role of Empathy in Emotional Repair
Empathy is the bridge between two different emotional worlds. When Alex mirrors Emma’s concerns by saying, “I understand that my avoidance of my own fear diminishes your need and makes you feel like I’m not fully invested,” he validates her experience. In turn, Emma practices reflecting Alex's discomfort with aggressive confrontation by acknowledging, “I see that my inability to contain my fear and my need for reassurance and can feel overwhelming for you.”
The lovely and loving communication above is only possible, however, when the accountability piece has been deeply worked by both partners. Empathy is built on personal responsibility, accountability and self-awareness. Each of us must come into right relationship with our own needs and fears to truly be present and open to the needs and fears of others.
To cultivate empathy skills, couples may engage in “Empathy Moments,” where they take turns listening without interruption, then paraphrase what they heard without judgment, rebuttal or sharing their own feelings or perspectives. This is not the time to drive a point home or make sure your partner is “getting what they did to you” or “how they need to change.” Listen to the space between the words your partner is sharing. This helps each partner feel heard and reduces the tendency to resort to blame or shame.
Empathy Moments are repeated many, many times. Partners are each getting new pieces of perspective on themselves and each other every time this exercise is successful. Empathy is the mother of safety. Safety is being experienced. Safety is the driver for commitment.
Ongoing Commitment: The Path of Restoration
Restorative practices, or "Reflection Practices," are exercises that encourage continuous growth and healing. This is the true commitment . . . not so much to “the relationship” but that commitment to being responsive to one’s own feelings and accountable for one’s speech and actions. One effective activity is “The Ownership Letter,” where each partner writes a letter taking full responsibility for their role in a recent conflict, without mentioning the other person’s actions or shortcomings. These letters are generally not shared overtly but serve as the basis or self-reference for each individual when having intimate interactions. This journaling practice promotes self-awareness and reinforces the idea that both partners have a part in every interaction.
Relationships are not static events but continuous living, breathing entities that requires care and tending. Emma and Alex might decide to have weekly “Connection Conversations,” where they review their progress, share their thoughts, and acknowledge each other’s efforts. They learn that while the road may be long, each step they take toward understanding themselves grows their compassion for each other, creates more safety, strengthens their bond and reinforces their commitment.
Blame and shame often disguise themselves as necessary defenses in a relationship, but they are merely reflections of deeper wounds that need healing. Through recognition, responsibility, accountability, empathy-building, and ongoing repair, couples can transform their connection from fragile to resilient, creating a bond that can withstand the tests of time.
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