"We’re Not Fine": Holidays & Divorce

Navigating the Holidays with Honesty, Warmth, and Care

Holidays have a way of amplifying whatever is most alive in us. Joy feels brighter. Loneliness gets sharper. Conflict rings louder. And when a relationship is in a fragile place, or quietly approaching its end, the pressure to perform in a warm and festive manner can feel almost unbearable.

Every year I meet with couples and families trying to hold themselves together during December. They try to smile politely at dinner parties. They wrap gifts numbly. They pose for photos with forced smiles. They say “we’re good” when they’re anything but.

And inevitably, they utter the same words during a session:

“We’re doing it for the kids . . ." but the kids already know . . . they really do.

Children register the emotional weather long before adults announce a forecast. They feel when the air between their parents goes flat, tight, or brittle. They notice the silence, the tension, the way two adults navigate the room without brushing shoulders.

Kids don’t need the details. They just need the truth served in proportions their nervous systems can digest. But more than anything, they need the adults around them to stop acting.

This isn’t about spilling everything. It’s about creating just enough honesty that no one has to carry the weight of the unspoken. This post is mostly about how to do that; especially during a season when expectations, family traditions, and old loyalties collide.

Remember: Honesty Doesn’t Require a Confession

Many parents worry that if they tell the truth, they’ll harm their children. But children are not harmed by reality; they’re harmed by distortion.

You don’t need to say,“We’re separating because your father won’t listen,”or“I’m leaving because your mother betrayed my trust.”

You can say, in your grounded, adult voice:

“Things are hard between us right now, but none of this is about you! We’re figuring out what’s best for us and for our whole family. We're getting lots of help and we're learning how to do this well . . . so you don't have to worry when you can see that I'm sad. It's a sad time, for sure, and I am sad . . . I know see that and I see that you're sad too . . . The good news is you’re safe and I've got you 100% whenever you need me! Our love is for sure, no matter how our family changes.”

You can't say it enough in multiple different ways.

This gives your child something solid to stand on without turning them into your confidant or surrogate parent.

Kids crave clarity the way their bodies crave warmth. A simple, clear communication can calm the entire system.

Let Go of the Holiday Performance

There is a cultural fantasy that holidays must be “magical” . . . a script that demands everyone show up with a smile, a cheerful voice, and a willingness to swallow the truth for the greater good.

But pretending happiness doesn’t generate connection, bonding or belonging.

If you and your partner are struggling, you can still create holiday warmth . . . but it has to come from a genuine place.

• Find agreement on making celebrations more gentle and grounded this year.

• Focus on how much you love your children . . . not attempting to reconstruct the perfect moments of the past .

• Try to keep things simple . . . lots of rest, fewer events.

Let your holiday be human, not theatrical.

Kids Don’t Need Explanations; They Need a Regulated You

When the adults are tight, distracted, or fighting internally, children feel it in their own bodies.

The most stabilizing thing you can offer is your easy, gentle breath; your honest self-awareness; your attention; and your ability to tolerate your own feelings without faking, exploding or disappearing.

Children don’t need you to be cheerful when you're not. They need you to be real and regulated.

If you’re sad, you can say:

“I’m feeling tender today, but I’m okay. I'm getting lot's of good support and help. You don’t have to take care of me; I've got lots of helpers. I’ve got you my sweet one.”

Let them feel the dignity of truth delivered with steadiness.

Navigating In-Laws and Extended Family Without Oversharing

Holidays often bring the extended cast of characters; the in-laws you genuinely love, the siblings who know something is off, or the aunt who asks blunt, uncomfortable questions while handing you some egg nog.

When you’re separating, or considering it, this gets complicated. You may feel connected to people who are, in many ways, an extension of the person you are leaving.

Here’s a script that stays honest without opening the vault:

“We’re going through a hard time and taking some space to figure things out. I care about you and our friendship/relationship, and I genuinely appreciate your interest and support. We're not sharing details right now, but I’ll let you know when we can.”

This is clear. It honors both the relative or friend as well as your fragile relationship. It closes the door on immediate conversation, but leaves it gently ajar for future communication.

You do not owe anyone a post-mortem. You do not owe them a villain. You do not owe them more information than your nervous system can bear to share.

Blending Families During a Breakup or Transition

Perhaps you’re already in the midst of separation, but traditions have a gravitational pull . . . so you’re still attending celebrations together. Or your children are moving between households, blending Christmas morning with two different family systems.

The key is coordination, not pretending.

• Decide ahead of time what events you’ll attend together.

• Be honest with kids about the plan and prepare them ahead of time . . . a week ahead, then a few days ahead, then the day of: “We’ll all be at Nana’s for dinner. After that, you’ll go with Dad and I’ll head home.”

• Communicate with your ex in neutral, functional language.

• If affection or closeness feels confusing, keep boundaries clear without hostility.

  
  

A child can relax when the adults act like adults . . . not idealized, not fused . . . just steady.

Let the Holidays Evolve

Some families cling to old traditions even as the structure that once held them collapses.

There is beauty in honoring what was. But there is also wisdom in allowing something new to emerge.

You might choose to create smaller gatherings; a quiet morning walk instead of a big brunch; a ritual with your kids that’s all yours; a day centered on rest rather than spectacle.

Consider new boundaries that say, “We’re not attending this year." . . . Contemplate creating something new for your new family structure.

When a relationship is changing, traditions often need to change, too. This isn’t a failure. It’s the beginning of a more honest life.

Remember: Truth Creates Safety

Children are not protected by secrecy. Partners are not protected by silence. Extended family is not protected by carefully curated stories.

Everyone does better when reality is acknowledged with calm, clarity, and compassion.

If you’re in a season of relational uncertainty or dissolution, you are not alone. Many families are navigating these same waters . . . quietly, tenderly, imperfectly.

Let this Christmas be one where you do not demand cheerfulness of yourself.

Let it be a season where you offer something more trustworthy than “fine.”

Offer truth. Offer presence. Offer the steadiness of admitting to yourself what hurts and what’s changing so you can be respectful and clear with others.

There is a profound kind of love that blooms in the humility of telling the truth, gently.