A Few Suggestions for Getting Started
Connect to Your Spirituality
Are you able to consider or perhaps recognize that we are spiritual beings having a human experience—that you and I (as we know ourselves to be human) have been created from a divine blueprint?
Are you able to consider or recognize that sex is one of the actions or activities that gives us a direct experience of this paradoxical aspect of being who and what we are?
Are you embarrassed or afraid to correlate sex and spirituality? Have you had a direct experience of connectedness or presence in nature, in a stand of Redwoods, or swimming in an Alpine Lake or perhaps in creating or viewing a piece of art? If so, can you make the leap to considering that "direct experience" means you have had a physically-based, sensation-based experience of non-physical energy in the midst of a very physical situation or circumstance?
Sex is on this nature-based/creativity continuum . . . sex is a circumstance or situation in which your physical energy and your non-physical energy can come together.
Of course you can be in nature or engaged in sexual activity without feeling any such connectedness to the non-physical or spiritual dimensions of being. It doesn't mean that the non-physical isn't there or isn't available to you; it just means that you might not have developed an awareness; or perhaps you felt it without understanding, so it remained in the background of your consciousness.
Either way, it can be edifying to entertain the possibility that you are multi-dimensional and that there are realms of experience available to you that have previously been ignored or untapped. Consider experimenting with the following suggestions to expand your awareness and deepen your capacity for sensual fulfillment and sexual satisfaction.
Consider the possibility that you and your partner are divine
If you are entertaining the possibility that human beings are an extension of source energy, that you are a divine expression of the force of life, then it follows that your partner is also a manifestation of a spiritual source. Yes! That person who annoys you and challenges you to no end is an embodied God-fragment!!
Experiment with expanding your perception of this person; shelve all your judgments for a few hours. Accept responsibility for having chosen them to be your mate, as they are . . . look for gratitude in your heart for all the ways they challenge you to open and grow into your best self.
Move toward sexual activity in a state of humility, with gratitude for your partner as a sacred representation of the divine. You will get out of your relationship what you put into it. Exercise your devotion muscle. Practice loving your partner on your own. Masturbate in a state of appreciation; pleasure yourself in a celebratory state of mind, grateful for the blessed good fortune your partner represents in your life. On your own, bring yourself to orgasms of appreciation for your loved one before ever engaging in partnered sex.
By holding this highest vision of and for your partner, you will be seeding the field between you; loving them into their best expression of their divine design. This is truly divine principle in action. Yes, you are a healer now. This does not mean that the other person all of a sudden becomes a different person. It means you shift your perception and expectation that they be different.
Create an environment in which sacred sex can blossom
Engage the senses.
Consider the beauty of the space, the setting. Is it clean? Is it orderly? Is the light soft?
How does it smell? Do the sheets or furniture smell fresh? Burn some incense or sage. Tap some sensual smelling essential oils between your legs and behind your ears.
Find a soft, beautiful blanket or linens that are only for union with your beloved. Wear clothing that is texturally stimulating to skin and fingertips.
Gather some edible oils that will support easy touch and will also smell good and taste delicious.
Place some prepared fruit or sweets and beverages nearby.
Is the space quiet? Away from the distracting noises of the street or the voices of others? Play soft, rhythmic music.
Prepare your body
Shower or bathe with interest and curiosity about your own body. Notice where you have hairy places and smooth places. Notice the body parts or areas where you are soft or hard. As you soap and rinse yourself, pay attention. Cultivate interest in the body you are bringing to the sensual interaction. What are you enjoying about the body you are in? What are you resisting or rejecting?
How do you feel when you are clean? How do you feel when you are naked? How do you feel when you are dressed . . . how would you like to dress yourself? Do you want to adorn your body?
Consider wearing scented oils that you like, the oils that give you a sense of grounded connection
Style your hair in a way that pleases you when you see your reflection
Put on makeup if color or accents to the eyes and lips enhance your sense of feeling good in your body
Put on jewelry if you feel more spiritually centered when your totems or spiritual symbols are close to your skin
If you want to be dressed, choose articles of clothing that support you to feel authentic and real; clothing that is comfortable and beautiful, and allows your body to express your inner experience into the space you've created.
Begin sacred sex with ritual
When you are both ready, slowly enter the room, the space. Notice the sensations in your body and the emotions in your heart and mind. Take all the time you need to find yourself and register your experience. You may be distracted by your partner's beauty or by the smells and sounds in the environment. Slow way down so that you can take in everything around you and still feel yourself. Take as much time as you need.
Throughout the encounter, attempt to keep your attention focused in a 70/30 split: 70% of your attention on yourself, your sensations and emotions and 30% on your partner and the other stimulus in the space.
When you are ready, meet and hold hands.
Gaze for a few minutes just to connect and register the presence of the other in relationship to your own awareness of self.
Perhaps breathe for six or eight inhales and exhales as you take in your partner while maintaining self-awareness.
Take turns anointing each other with essential oils. Place oils on each other's crown, third eye, heart space, and genitals.
Burn some sage and smudge each other from head to toe - front and back.
Feed each other a berry or share a single glass of water, juice or champagne that you both drink from.
Read poetry to each other, or sit quietly listening to a piece of music
Create a ritual that represents the two of you coming together with the intention of joining - of experiencing union with the divine aspect of self as represented in the union between two complete and whole individuals.
Follow your sexual intuition
Open yourself up to exploring sensuality from self-awareness . . . sexual intimacy with another starts with intimacy with your own experience. If you are afraid or embarrassed, or you lose your connection with yourself . . . THAT IS PART OF THE INTIMACY EXPERIENCE! Explore your confusion or insecurity as various activities unfold . . . if you are shutting down to your experience, you will not be able to receive your partner's love or attention.
Tender, gentle attention to the NOW is the foundation of intimate, connected sex. Connection starts with your connection to yourself and your willingness to respond to and be responsible for your self. This does not mean you can't want or need something from your partner. You CAN. It means that if they can't give you what you ask for, you can be present to that limitation or boundary without losing your connection to yourself.
Every session will be unique and distinct unto itself.
Remember, being fully in the moment during sex means having an ever-deepening awareness of your being . . . right now.
Practice looking into each other's eyes while maintaining the 70/30 attentional distribution. Stay in the feeling of each moment. Drop into the visceral, somatic sensation of your experience.
Take your time. If you lose your sense of self, pause. Breathe. Consider separating your bodies. Collect yourself and your sensory awareness, and begin again.
If you're not sure where to begin or how to proceed, consider learning about and incorporating tantric sex practices. Tantra is a sexual practice that beautifully merges sex and spirituality.
Experience a sacred orgasm
If/when you or your partner climax, practice drawing that energy into your heart (as you have been practicing on your own, as previously recommended). Feel the orgasm release the density and intensity of being physical (evolution) and simultaneously draw the life force energy into your heart (involution).
Practice luxurious aftercare
In the afterglow, share thoughts and feelings about your experience. What are you noticing about yourself as you attempt to be present with yourself while in relationship to your partner. Listen with intention and sincere, open curiosity as your partner shares their own experience, both of themselves and of you.
Enjoy some decadent dark chocolate, fruit or wine.
Laugh about your challenges, the awkwardness or contrived weirdness of this new approach, and enjoy the developing bond you are creating as you expand into new experiences of intimacy together.