As your inquiry deepens in the year ahead, you may notice your center of gravity begins to shift. It’s not so much that the limiting beliefs and painful feelings have stopped, or even lessened. But they are coming and going in the context of increasing spaciousness and allowing.
In this new inner environment, you are still in close, intimate contact with your emotional world, but not so close that you fuse or fall in. You no longer need the feelings to go away, but are interested in knowing them more fully. You may find your curiosity takes precedence now. You may pause and allow your attention to be drawn into your experience with an attitude of warmth, or embodied presence.
The old sense of unworthiness, the panic in the belly, the avalanche-like rage, the thought that there is something wrong with you. The feeling of shame, the ruminations of despair, the constriction in the throat, the pressure in the heart. Oh, such misery. But increasingly, now, more than before, you are willing, even for a moment, to call off the war; to step off the battlefield. For a moment, there are no enemies. You are not abandoning yourself, attacking your own vulnerability or someone else's. You are not meeting your inner world with violence or aggression nor are you attacking another.
Previously, in a moment of flight-fight reactivity, you would have been habituated to the extremes: denying, repressing, or dissociating from what arises; you may have had the habit of dismissing it and turning away from it, deeming it as error or evidence that something is wrong. Perhaps you became flooded by it, engulfed in the energy, enmeshed in the chaos, losing yourself in its appearance.
Now, for a moment there is an inner truce, a quiet listening. The moment is saturated with intelligence and information, soaked with some sort of sacred data for you to remember you have always known. Listening closely, you may notice underneath the thoughts, feelings, and emotions a raw, tender, shaky core. It’s so alive there, a womb of sensitivity, recognizable but not quite knowable in the ordinary sense.
What is developing now is the wisdom of possibility . . . it is a creative zone in which infinite alternatives are possible, and you are becoming aware of the zone and noticing your have choice . . . . It is not easy in a moment of activation to turn into the center of the experience. The core or driver of the experience has been unconscious for so long. What was once an immediate shock, pain or trauma has been dark for decades, avoided until it becomes unfamiliar, disowned . . . resisted until the resistance becomes your sense of self.
Returning to the root, making contact with the driver of your experience is strangely quieting, and reassuring, even if in the moment you are disoriented or feel groundless. Your survival strategies are no longer able to provide adequate, familiar orientation . . . but a deep part of you has been longing for the truth of this connection with yourself for a long time.
And so, there is some light here, in the possibility of self-knowing. The challenge or upheaval you are facing has not come as an enemy from the outside, to harm or throw you off course. Rather, it is a part of your inner family, longing to be allowed back home, to be reunited and included in the vastness of what you are.
In this year ahead the invitation is to provide sanctuary and safe passage for the those resisted, rejected parts of yourself, the parts you tend to avoid and deny. This is the year to support these parts in the completion of their a sacred journey, to receive and hold your harbored pain and childhood grief as fellow travelers along the path of love. This is the year to own your projections and come home to the truth of who you are.
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